Santa Do's:
- DO address
every Santa as Santa, in the first, second, and third person, singular and
plural.
- DO have something ready to hand out, even if it's just candy canes.
- DO
uphold the hallowed tradition of Never Washing the Suit.
-
DO many
thorough soaks of your cleaning product containers before storing liquor in
them. (If you haven't already done so, it may be too late to start now.)
-
DO be ready for
new adventure at a moment's notice. Santa is like a shark, and must keep moving
in order to thrive.
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Santa Dont's:
- Don't fuck with the cops. If the cops tell you to do something, DO
IT. If you want to get busted, do it when you and I aren't dressed the
same.
- Don't fuck with little kids. I'm serious, this is supposed to
be fun. Holidays are unpleasant enough for kids these days. If we can't
brighten it at least we can be one less worry for them. Remember: The
kids of today are the weirdoes of tomorrow.
- Don't fuck with store security. If they ask you to leave a
store, get the hell out and be nice about it, or other Santas will take
shit for it. and don't fuck with me or I'll puke on your suit, you
damned imposter.
-
Don't fuck with Santa. I just might
puke on your suit, you damned impostor.
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How
we deal with the public is very simple:
The answer is Santa.
Who's in charge? SANTA
Who are you with? SANTA
What organization are you with? SANTA
Who organized this? SANTA
Where did you get the buses? SANTA
Who's that woman? SANTA
Who's that guy? SANTA
How did you get here? A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
There are always folks who figure honesty is the best policy and that's
fine. The aforementioned statements are true. Well, the last one is a
stretch for some but what the hey.
Do not quote a web address.
Do not point out someone.
Do not give out a name.
Do not supply an e-mail address.
Do not hand out a phone number.
Remember: Dumb stares are easy. If you can't be clever, don't be a rat.
Heck, who put you in charge anyway? You don't know anything. You just showed
up in your Santa suit on Saturday, December 11th at noon because the voices
in your head told you to. People work hard to pull this shit together. The
least you can do is act dumb and cover their butt in case of trouble.
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Questions and Answers:
"Why are you all
dressed up like Santa?"
- "It's
CHRIIIISTMAAAAS. We're SAAAANTA." said kinda slowly with lots of emphasis
like the person to whom you're talking is mildly retarded.
- Why aren't you?
- Didn't you get the memo?
- Because our gorilla suits are in the laundry.
- Or, if we happen to be at a market, "Well, we came all this way for some
oranges... we have terrible produce up at the north pole and all the elves
have scurvy."
- I decided to leave my Salvation Army job and join a gang
- I have a Santa fetish.
- What? Who? (Turn around, act surprised to see a bunch of Santas) - Oh,
shit!
- I'm only allowed to tell you if you dress like Santa.
- To mollify a deep-seated neurosis.
- This is a pick-up location for day labor Santas.
- We're undercover. I'd leave the area if I were you.
- I don't know who these impostors are but they're following me everywhere.
- I hope I'm not the first to tell you this, but you know Santa Claus isn't
real, right?
- What Santas? I don't see anyone else dressed like this. You must be
hallucinating. Better knock off the cough medicine.
- I don't know about those guys, but this is what I always wear on my days
off. I just figured it got trendy.
- The nuclear plant up at the North Pole had a melt down and caused some
weird mutations. We just woke up one morning and were all there. It was
pretty freaky.
"Am I to understand that SANTA is responsible for this mayhem?"
- Yes, officer. Wait, you said SANTA and not SATAN, right?
"Why are there 300 of you?"
- Well,
why is there only one of you?
"What is this?"
- Apparently, there is this guy that lives at the North Pole who likes to
give out gifts one day a year. We just thought it would be fun to dress
like him and run amuck in this fair city. A bunch of drunk Santas. What's
it look like to you? |
